My mom got into a wreck. Nothing serious, she’s fine, all that jazz, but she has to take her car in to get the bumper fixed tomorrow morning. By which I mean, the whole thing fell right off. I followed my step father in to Pittsburg tonight so he could park the truck (with the bumper in it) in the parking lot where my mom works, then he rode back to the house in my car. She’s going to drop the car off in the morning and then take the bumper to them. Apparently it doesn’t fit in the car. I remember when I was little having to ride to Parsons on the weekends to hang out with David’s family. I didn’t have any little radio of my own, so Kenny and I were subjected to country music the whole ride. I think I would have enjoyed silence more. Riding back tonight, I had music on and I wondered if David liked what he heard. I wondered if somewhere in that heart of his, he heard Blue Foundation playing and thought “My God. What have I been missing out on all these years?”
My life has hit some bumpy bits, but I know that we’ll turn out okay. I have two really rad kids, have a group of incredibly amazing and supportive friends. I’ve lived in Italy, I’ve had the chance to see the Alps, I get to take some great road trips from time to time. It’s not awful.
I remember, right before Lilly was born, we were trying to buy a house. It was a lovely house, and I was excited to have something nice that I could really call my own. J was working a lot, and we only had one car. He made it clear soon after we started the buying process that it was my job to buy this house all on my own, which was insanely scary. I had no idea what I was doing, and got no help or input. I always sort of thought buying a house would be a scary, but exciting thing a couple did together for the first time. (I also thought the same thing of having a baby, but that didn’t work that way for me either. Totally not bitter, I promise. But if I ever have another child, I hope to God it is with someone that is excited about it that will rejoice in the fact with me, rather than tell me I’m ruining their life. Twice. I would really like to experience it once as a happy event WITH someone, not scared and alone.)
He ended up quitting his job right before they drew up the title for our new house. I was due to have our second child in about 15 days. He told his parents something about not wanting to buy a house yet, but he told me that he was leaving me and going to be with a girl that he knew from high school. That he realized leaving me here to raise our kids alone while he helped her raise hers wasn’t right, but that he wasn’t a saint and that’s just how life was. He eventually changed his mind, but left me in limbo for a week or two while he told me “I haven’t decided whether I’m leaving or not yet.” There were so many times I should have done things differently, but lecturing myself with shoulds now doesn’t change anything. And I think sometimes, we need to go where we don’t belong so we can better recognize where we do.)
I realize that back then I was trying to force something that should have never happened to begin with. I was sort of hurting myself by trying to squinch down into a mold that didn’t fit.
And I know now that I can absolutely be happy doing anything, as long as I do it in the way I feel okay doing it. I’m alright with myself. I’m alright with needing the things I need when I need them. And I’m okay with being the one that gives me those things I need. I’m alright now with not asking permission to feel things or see things the way I feel and see them. Which might not make any sense at all to any of you, but I totally get it.
My whole life I’ve felt this electric undercurrent. I’ve always felt different. Seperate. Like I never belonged anywhere. Now? I’m open to the possibility of anything. I’ll continue doing things that I love with people that I love. And I hope the fire sort of helps catch a spark in others.
Painting the room in a colourful way,