Right now I feel like I’d like to do something like sit around a campfire with a bunch of women at some sort of “togetherness” workshop and then sigh at how silly something like that is. Here is where I should note that I don’t think it would actually necessarily be silly, but that any sort of Tending The Garden Of Me is way to much of a wacky notion and I worry that other people will think it’s lame so I have to add the disclaimer. I do think it would be weird and silly. But I like things because of weird and silly, not in spite of. I would enjoy it, lame and all. I keep feeling this deep need to reconnect with Joy and Happiness and Security. And if a drum circle has a chance of restoring a little bit of that, then heck yes, sign me up. Not that I wouldn’t laugh at the absurdity of it and think it was silly, but that could very well be part of the process anyway.
I need Connectivity, big C. I need hugs and crying and affirmation. I need to be alone and I need to be surrounded with people I love. It’s a big stupid paradox. I need to need. Or at least allow myself to feel like I’m worthy of needing things. The very idea of needing something or admitting that I need something, I was told was a weakness on my part.
I’m gonna take the need, and I’m going to give it a soft warm place to sleep. I’m going to let it know that I know it’s there and I’m going to pay attention to it. I’m going to take care of my needs, and in doing so, take better care of myself.
I’m trying so hard not to become a flag waving, torch carrying, baggage lugging nutjob over all this. I’ve been going to counseling and it helps.
I have lots more to type. I haven’t been writing much because I never wanted my blog to become ALL ABOUT THE THING. Because that’s not what it’s all about. But I guess if picking what happened apart and trying to put it back together in a way that makes sense to me helps me, then I will. And if it bothers people they can just not read it. But maybe someone that has been through it finds this they’ll be able to offer advice or comfort, or maybe someone that is looking for advice or comfort might find it here, I dunno.