I should probably mention that when reading all of my posts, you should read it with an air of smugness and sarcasm, even the weird mopey parts. Nay, especially the weird mopey parts. Because that’s how it sounds in my head, also it’s a lot funnier that way.
LAWN CARE EXTRAVAGANZA
When I was very young, my mom took us over to a friend’s home to play; they had a big hill by their house and they laid multiple Slip-N-Slides end to end. So, you know, they could let the little kids zoom down the hill on a wet slippery surface and I guess take bets on which child received a concussion first.
I wonder who had the bright idea of mowing beforehand. We would run at it, try to look suave while we fall down on our bums, slide down a lubricated, slippery bit of plastic, run back up the hill, collecting grass blades on your wet feet on the way, and then go back down, repeat.
After a few passes from each kid, the whole thing was covered in grass. By the time we went home, I had a million billion grass cuts on my tiny little body.
There was a punchline to this.
I am my own punchline, apparently.
My mother came by to watch the kiddos so that I could mow the yard.The back yard is fenced in, so it’s easier to take care of. In the back yard I can pull weeds, rake, etc while the kiddos run around all willy nilly and play. The front yard has no fencing, and it would make me nervous trying to do stuff and worrying about children running into a road or something. The trees in the front are American Sweetgums, different from the one in the back, and drop these things that are like SPIKEY BALLS OF DEATH, when they fall off the tree and dry out. I could take the time to rake it, but again with the whole no fence thing. Also, there are SO MANY that it would take forever. Plus it’s more fun to get my revenge on these things by letting the lawn mower get all RAAAAAWWRRR, MULCHY! on them.
To Señor Don Gato, the neighborhood cat: You, sir, are a braver soul than I, sitting there across the sidewalk whilst ping-pong balls from hell fly hither and yon. I know you have nine lives and all, but it seems like kind of a silly thing to waste one of them on.
With a grain of salt,